Haven been bloggin since dunno when. Last blog that I posted was on 2011. It's more than a year ago. And it's so freaking long... So many things had happened since then.. Pei xuan jie jie's wedding, some more semesters, winnie's wedding, taiwan's trip... Cant really rem much. But today I came back blogging, it isnt for a happy occasion.

My pek pek passed away..

I witnessed the whole process ever since he was diagnosed with final stage of cancer in the lung and liver. He had nose cancer long long time ago but was cured. Nobody expects that the cancer will return. As if one cancer wasnt enough, he had to tackle two of them..Suffered so much. Went hospital countless times. Insert tubes to draw out accumulated liquid in the lung. How painful is that?

His dismiss made me think a lot of stuff..Made me questioned the life of existence. I saw him working even when he's stricken with illness. Work and work and work so hard..Ending up with nothing but a frail, skinny body shell, weighing barely more than 30kg. It's hard to describe the feeling. I used to dislike him but when all these happened, I cant rem anything of him that I used to dislike. In fact, my heart ached on thur when I last saw him on the hospital bed. Everybody gathered around him and I guessed he too knew his time was up even though he didnt wake up once. I supposed that's what it meant by deathbed.


He left that thur night. If I knew, I probably would have stayed the whole day to see him go. It rained consecutively for two days after that. 030812.. 040812.. The wake stayed there for these two days. Even when there's sunshine, there's a shade of dull gloom hovering around the sky. I wonder if it was because my heart was gloomy too.

Funeral helpers asked us to see him one last time before they close the coffin. Everybody went in with hesitation..Came out with tears and sadness. I stranded at the entrance, crying like shit even before I went in. I simply cant bring myself to see him. My mum pulled me away before I made up my mind to go in. But eventually when the monks chanted the sutra, we followed them walked rounds around the coffin, I saw his face. I saw the familiarity and yet the unfamiliarity. Still as boney but was all dressed up, with western suit and tie. I wonder how many times did he wear tie while he's alive. I never seen him wear tie before and I never expect that the only time I saw it is when he's lying in there.


22052011..He didnt even wear tie at pei xuan jie jie's wedding. Sitting at the right is him. And it's so heart breaking to see his photo now. Feel like he's still alive but he's not...

05082012..He was sent to cremate. We all cried like shit. My dad, who had been putting on strong front, broke down too. My gu gu howled at the cremation viewing room.. "我沒有哥哥了。我没有哥哥了。。。" I have no word to describe how it feel.

They say that when a person dies, they reincarnate. But after these few days, I believe that after a person dies, they just shut down. Like a machine breaking down. But I still wish that if there's after life, he will be happy somewhere else. With my dear xiao gu who passed away for almost 5 years ago. I hate mandai crematorium. And I dun wanna be there anymore.